Springtime and Pain with S E X
When we think of Spring, we think of new birth, and for some reason I think of bunnies everywhere. Maybe because I see them in my neighborhood in excess during this time. (They’re cute but they ruin my garden.) When I think of bunnies, I think of sex. You know the phrase, “humping like rabbits”. So it’s spring time and I’m thinking about rabbits and humping, so this blog is going to discuss vaginismus, dyspareunia, vulvodynia- all of the pain conditions that can make it difficult for you to have enjoyable sex.
I remember being in high school and hearing some girls talking about how when you have sex it would hurt. When my mom had the “sex” talk with me, it was more about protecting yourself when you do have sex, and to not have sex/ get pregnant before I got married. Sex ed in high school was more about how sperm inseminates an egg and a baby is produced. It mentioned sexually transmitted diseases and again to use protection. No one ever talked to me about sex. No one ever mentioned it was something to be enjoyed. No one ever talked about discovering what pleasure is to you, how to pleasure map, how to figure out what is that you like and how to communicate that with your partner. And the people who said it would hurt when you first had sex, they never said for how long.
In the US, consumerism is overflowing with sex culture. Sex sells. They exploit women’s bodies, men’s physiques. It’s littered throughout the music, the film industry, clothing campaigns. But it’s all surface level. So, first rule that comes to mind about sex: It should be a mutual consensual transaction of pleasure. There should be an open line of communication between the two. If you can’t tell your partner wheat feels good and what doesn’t feel good, y’all shouldn’t be having sex in my opinion. Second rule of sex that comes to mind, is sex shouldn’t hurt, unless you want it to. When you first have penetrative sex, there may be some discomfort, but this should not last the duration of the act, and should not continue in subsequent acts; unless you want it to.
If you are having consistent pain with sex, there is something going on, whether it’s muscular, neural, hormonal, or a combination of the above. Vaginismus is defined as pain with penetration. You attempt to have penetrative sex, a gynecological exam, insertion of a tampon, and it’s like you hit a wall, you can’t go any further. Your muscles in the pelvic floor essentially tighten up. This can be a mental block, or a physical block in that our pelvic floor remembers past “traumas” and attempts to protect the body from them repeating. Also, you could have experienced pain free sex in the past, and then vaginismus develops later on. So birth traumas, prior surgeries, fear of sexual abuse, anxiety can all lead to vaginismus.
Dyspareunia is specifically pain with sex. This can be felt only at the entrance, on the vulva or in the introitus, inside the vagina, a deep pain like it’s in the uterus or pelvis, or all of the above. While vulvodynia is pain on the vulva, so you’re going to experience pain more with initial insertion. The common piece with all of these pain conditions is there is some overactivity of the muscles of the pelvic floor which cause the sensation of pain during sex.
So, if penis in vagina sex is what your goal is, the number one thing that needs to be worked on is restoring balance to those muscles. They need to be able to relax. And NO, that does not mean drinking a glass of wine and just trying to “relax”. That means working on releasing trigger points, tension through hands on techniques as well as breath work and stretching. That also means strengthening the muscles in those lengthened positions so that the muscles don’t revert back to where they were. This may also mean that you need to do some psychological work with psychologist or psychiatrist to help weed out and treat any underlying trauma you may have. Sometimes these can be done at the same time, but sometimes you need to do the mental work first, before fully approaching the physical work.
For some people, penis in vagina sex may not be the goal. And it doesn’t have to be. If this is the case, then it would be best suited for you to see a pelvic therapist who is also a sex therapist, or at least has that breadth. They will be able to walk you through how you can become more comfortable in your body as it relates to sex. How to speak up for yourself, communicate. How to pleasure map and navigate what a pleasurable sexual experience means to you, so that pain doesn’t have to rule life.
